Couldn't finish watching The Idol? Sadly I did. Here's a recap (2024)

Hello, angels.

I did it.

I finished The Idol — despite the endless anti-The Idol tweets, the booing at Cannes, the torture-p*rn descriptions, and the angry think pieces. And there were so many angry think pieces.

Now that it's over, I need to process the hell out of what I just watched (and I don't think I'm alone).

Here's every thought that went through my head while watching Sam Levinson's latest cinematic masterpiece unethical behavioural-science experiment.

In case it wasn't clear, there are SO MANY SPOILERS ahead so stop reading now if you don't want them.

'I'm just a freak, yeah' (x 50)

I'm so scared Lily-Rose Depp's World Class Sinner / I'm A Freak, a song with lyrics like "Because you're dumb / But you're cute / That's a good enough ratio" is going to be in my Spotify Wrapped.

Actually, I already know it's going to be and I hate it but also I can't stop listening to it and I won't stop listening to it.

Thank god you lot are obsessed with it too.

Apparently it has a lot to do with the fact it uses the same chord progression as The Weeknd's Can't Feel My Face. It's also in the same key and we already knew the simple hook was infuriatingly catchy.

'I'm never listening to The Weeknd again'

I heard someone describe The Idol as a Weeknd vanity project (ICYMI Abel Tesfaye co-created it with Levinson). Yes, it absolutely was, but I've never wanted anything less to do with The Weeknd than I do post-Abel Tesfaye as Tedros.

I don't care that he featured on the best song of all time, FKA Twigs' Tears In The Club. (OK I'm still going to listen to Tears In The Club, I'm not a masoch*st. But I'll pretend The Weeknd's not on it.)

I can't unsee the rat tail or that hairline.

I can't unhear his Tedros voice.

I know The Weeknd wanted us to hate Tedros. And I guess the fact I'm still struggling to separate the IRL man from a character he played for a few months, tops, means his first foray into acting was a success but… I still don't think I'm ever going to want to listen to the Weeknd again after this.

'Lily-Rose Depp can actually act?'

I've followed Lily-Rose on Instagram for longer than I'd care to admit because she's always been That (Nepo) Girl.

And being That (Nepo) Girl is all I expected of her, which is why I was anticipating Cara Delevingne-level acting from Lily-Rose.

But she had me hooked in the show's opening scenes, where she posed with a red and black satin robe and yikes-inducing hospital wristband, cycling between "play[ing] with the camera", giving "pure sex", "vulnerable" and "emotional", a single tear gliding down her cheek on cue.

And aside from the whole Tedros storyline (which admittedly takes up most of the plot), Jocelyn's character isn't terribly written?

She's surprisingly self-aware, in on the way she's being marketed to the masses, mindful of her obligations as an A-list starlet whose core fanbase is teenage girls and wants to say something with her music — even if she hasn't quite managed that last bit yet.

'This show should be about Jocelyn's team, why isn't this show about Jocelyn's team?'

I'd watch 10 seasons of Rachel Sennott, Daniel Levy, Da'Vine Joy Randolph, Hari Nef, Troye Sivan, Hank Azaria and Jane Adams trying to get Jocelyn's career back on track after her mum's death and her post-blowj*b selfie.

They're a big part of the reason I watched until the end. That, and the fact I started fast-forwarding all the torture p*rn-y scenes after the first episode.

'The Jocelyn and Leia dynamic is giving Caroline Calloway and Natalie Beach'

My fellow extremely online girlies will get the reference. If that isn't you, this is your required internet history reading.

'I don't hate The Idol as much as Euphoria'

I love Zendayabut Euphoria gave me literal nightmares.

I get there's a lot of sex, power and psychological abuse themes in The Idol, but none of the episodes left me in a pit of despair the way Euphoria did.

Could that have something to do with the fact Euphoria took place in a not-too-distant reality, whereas The Idol feels like the stuff of fame?

I don't have entire paragraphs for these thoughts but they're also important

• Lily-Rose Depp's nipples should have been billed as the third lead character.
• I would kill to live in Jocelyn's house. That staircase, ugh.
• OK but the cinematography is beautiful, this show will be cult in 20 years I'm calling it.
• I'm Just A Freak, Yeah.

• We need this show from Leia's perspective.
• I know we'd all rather forget, but remember Tedros hacking and coughing after doing redacted, then staring at himself in the mirror and practising saying "Hello, angel" in anticipation of seeing Jocelyn for the second time? Yeah.
• "Let me catch you looking at her again, I'll f*****g drag you down Rodeo and I'll f*****g curb stomp you," has to be one of the worst delivered and therefore funniest lines of all time.
• As is "Chaim, you don't understand — he's forcing us to shop".
• I'm Just A Freak, Yeah.
• Tedros needs to die, Destiny is right. I would also watch a show about Destiny and Chaim trying to make that happen.

• Okie dokie, add Troye Sivan writhing on the ground while being shocked by a collar against his will to the list of things I didn't expect to see in this life and could have gone without.
• Dyanne is a snake but I respect it.
• There were originally supposed to be six episodes instead of five and wow these last 20 minutes have been assigned a lot of work.
• Why is Hari Nef walking down a carpark ramp in the dark on her own.
• "Six weeks later"? Go, girl, tell us nothing.
• Sam Levinson and Abel Tesfaye, you will pay for this ending.
• Sigh. At least we'll always have I'm Just A Freak, Yeah.